Arabba 2006

Arabba 2006 – Rise of the Nova furian empire

Day 1. 02:30 am saturday 14th january.
Picked up Juli-Ho & stevie-ho and filled stevie-ho’s van with boards and bags.Followed Stevie-ho’s partenay van to carpark. Unpacked gigantic pile of luggage.Formed relay to load luggage onto bus. Noticed presence of many skiers. ignored them as benath notice. formed relay to unload luggage off bus. hefted luggage to check in. 2nd in line. still before dawn.
checked in 4 bags & 3 snow boards. Juli-Ho’s case deemed abnormally heavy and had to be shipped with snowboards.

Attempted to wake up. No sustenance available. find coffee. mmmmmm
burger king refuses to open until flight is called. nearly managed to get names called, but sadly were not last on board. maybe on way back.

Plane empty. juli ho and stevie-ho managed to get 3 seats each. adam snored. Sam looked out of window and said “ooooooo” a lot over the alps. pilot dropped plane onto tarmac from about 50 feet. hardcore landing. we suspect this is because ste was sitting too far forward of assigned seat and altered balance of plane.

luggage retrieved from wherever it had gone to, becuase it took hours to arrive on little luggage conveyor thingy, and eventually arrived at verona. adam’s snow-coffin took out people standing near by. formed relay to heft luggage onto trolley.

located correct coach by pointing [ and chance ] . Loaded luggage onto bus. Hoped it was correct bus. set off for 3 hour trip over mountains. italian motorways are crap. at rest stop snake was hardcore and stood outside in SWAT t-shirt. everyone else was muffled up to eyebrows in the snow. pussies.

vertical trip over mountain next. snow gets deeper. switchbacks are perilous. sam tried to edge closer to mountain side, instead of sheer drop side, and failed. adam wont move. git.
adam snores. julie ho grins. ste stares fixedly ahead, entranced by motion of bus.
39 turns later we arrive. casualties. 1 volkswagon. 1 other coach. guy driving behind bus when it started reversing round a turn. ha ha ha.

apartment is clean. tidy. laminated. cosy. laminated.
wood panelling much in evidence. 2 balconies for ste to freeze outside on while smoking.
mystery dirt on shoes. fold out bed takes up entire front room but is very comfy.

*** arabba has weirdest snow known to man. it is NOT slippy. except where it is, when it comes as a surprise. also it squeaks!!!! ***

examined shops in arabba. located cheap brandy for Ste’s “ wandy” cocktails. jagermeister also for sale. delayed purchase of latter until feeling more stupid. bought wine. beer nastro azzuro for cutdown price. no bread. bought croissants & pringles to sustain through evening

had dinner @ la table. [ AKA FAT TONI’s] was jolly pleasant. adam crushed a beer glass, and i drank alcohol. but only 2 glasses. pinot gringo. We suspect boris may be here.
dragged selves back up hill, Italian TV crap. watched german “who wants to be millionare. managed to guess most questions. passed out at appalling hour of 21:00h.

Adam did not snore. Weird.
Arabba. Day 2. sunday 15th.

09:30 hours. everyone is dressed and ready to go. Thermal socks. Thermal pants & vests, padded arse pants. [ essential ] snow pants. snow boots, hoodies. gloves. mittens. scarves. snow jackets with snow skirts. and goggles. and hats.

Arabba is closed for day as it is sunday. no shopping to be done. no milk or chocolate.
tidy up and play with ibook instead. ate pringles. & looked out of window for mountain rescue helicopters. just in case!

13:00 hours. urgent phone call on ste’s phone. Checked number. Called Juli-ho back.
Stevie-ho MIA after less than 24 hours onsite. Snakey-boi and Juli-Ho have cut losses and decided to board out the rest of the afternoon “looking for him”. will summon mountain rescue if he has not returned by nightfall. or ask rep if we see her.

16:00 Stevie-ho returns. Limping. Up the hill. Has crawled on elbows through thick forest.
and trekked down mountain trails from next town.
has injured left knee, and both tits. in stupendous snow sky snow sky snow sky snow sky snow sky fall. then went off piste through trees. finally walked down hill. snakey-boi and juli ho not in sight. froze bollocks off in corvara. finally found taxi as unable to navigate bus. was not permitted to get into taxi, until taxi driver had unloaded all recycling stuff. unable to remember where we were staying, and was dropped off in centro. i.e. at BOTTOM of enormous hill. damn.

16:15 Snakey-boi & Juli-ho return. victorious. mildly pleased to notice Ste on balcony.

Impressions of first day recorded below for posterity :

juliho : bar at top of mountain is FANTASTIC.nearly got taken out by first chair lift as adam was standing on board. had speck & cheese sandwishes and bitberger beers. followed by boarding. ste went mia. unable to locate ste. sneered at newbie boarders, who thought they were professionals. waited for ste. went up enormous cable car to spot ste’s corpse from above. re-boarded run where we lost ste. broke kneecaps on first rampage. ignored pain in hardcore manner. no sign of his body. fell off pommer lift into ditch. went back up cable car with bargey arse ski-ers. again. was very very steep on way down. did not have to sew feet to kneecaps. found it hard to snowboard across perfectly level run. had to do approved toy story soldier walk across field. X 3 ( not happy ) note to self. wax board. !!!!
feeling better now has drunk nearly 1 liter rose wine. kneecaps size of pumpkins. small ones.

STEVE: very good, but didnt appreciate having to do own personal andy mcnabb escape through hostile enemy area’s to L.U.P [ laying up point ] having been abandoned by team mates and having to get taxi back from next town. now having drunk a litre of wine i am feeling rose. fall involved cartwheeling for about 1km and losing all clothes. broke glasses.
was aided by skier.

snakey-boi : went up hill. drank bitberger. owned everything.

[ further prodding for more detail : – ]
did ollie off 1:1 hill. missed landing. decided to sledge down rest of mountain on back. waved at passers by. Juli-Ho saw snow carnage trail from above, and laughed.
at base of moutain, flipped off back, onto board as if whole thing intentional. i am dead good me. nearly managed to lose Juli-Ho on several occasions, but she kept turning up again.

After consuming all the alcohol in the premises[ 1.5 litres wine, 1.5 litres beer ] people began to think about the possibility of maybe considering getting ready to go and get food. once attired for the evening’s festivities, we slid down towards Mikys grill. the menu was too poncey, so we walked out. and returned to Fat Toni’s. Boris was not in attendance tonight.
Juli-ho’s hair was incredibly straight and sleek.
ste ordered a plate of meat for starter. ste and adam shared a XXL meat pizza [ senza funghi ] Adam was owned, but ste trooped on. he had some sort of intimate moment with his pizza. we left him to it after a gratuitous beaver photo
after finishing up, we headed to la stube, for the free drinks and off piste dvd promised by rep.
free drinks was some sort of fruit cup. avoided. located humongous tea, coffee and hot chocolate menu. we were distracted by ste ordering tea. again, we left him alone for a quiet moment with his tea. [ all 3 cups ] Juli-Ho kept falling asleep into hat.

on evening clamber up hill, future Head of furian empire distracted by machines that level piste on an evening. they are pretty cool. wonder what GCSE’s you need for that. looks precarious.

All have now gone to bed. snoring commences.

DAY 3. Monday 16th January.

Adam bright and cheery. Ste still having boob twinges. Julia dead.

tea and ibuprofen & cigarette help revive ste. No help for julia. who is lying in bed exclaiming “oooooooooo” and “ahahahhhhhhhhhhhrgh” .
Sammie ho writing shopping lists in italian, so that she can point to things.

ste, in true yorkshire fashion, is reusing teabags from la stube. he has thrown them in a pot of boiling water and stewed them to produce more “tea”.

Adam currently performing driveby’s and murdering ho’s on PSP.

We are in a TP’less emergency. Ste has had to use napkins for dabbing purposes. must go shopping soon.

Juli-ho attempting to wash and dress. moving slowly, but actually vertical. intends to buy kneepads in order to keep kneecaps attached to legs.

snowboarding may be limited to blue runs today. and all taking maps & communication devices.

11:00. all Have ventured down into Arabba. diverted by promises of breakfast from cafe Peter. purchased cheese’n’ham toasties. cheese very runny. hot chocolate is less runny than the cheese. snakey-boi finally uses spoon to eat it instead. Ste assists with leftover ham’n’cheese out of goodness of his heart. bless.

located other supermarket. porcini mushrooms very cheap. has gigantic tower of “smocked’ meat. bought teabags, sadly liptons.

** ste will ensure that when furian empire has over run the earth then only furian empire tea will be available. See appendix A. plans for world domination.

climbed hill of hate, back to apartments!!! snakey-boi jogs up hill because its “easier”. lying git. Juli-Ho also climbs well, although encumbered by shopping. stevie-ho and sammy ho climb hill less fast. stopping often to admire scenic vista’s……
Sammy ho slightly less dead on this trip, but still hates hill. noted many apartments down in flat bit of arabba. if we return, am deffo booking one of those.

Success, sport shop near apartments sells kneepads. stevie-ho and Juli-Ho now have armoured kneecaps. resume clamber up hill. yet again, sammy-ho locates black ice in car park. score.

12:00 hours. Have purchased TP. Deathmatch to gain first, and therefore least smelly, access to bathroom. Stevie-ho loses. Sadly stench seeps under door, forcing sammy ho to wear scarf over face. everyone else loses conciousness for short period, but normal activities soon resume. *** turned fan to mega blast and sprayed liberally with deoderant. for cotton freshness. ***

12:30. all are attired for afternoon. slightly more care taken with dressing today
thermals. ass pads. knee pads, snow pants, toastie socks. t-shirts. hoodies. glubs, goggles, hats, snow jackets. etc.
ste is wearing extra head warmers and has left mittens at home today. juli ho is wearing lid in case she lands on head. Actually looks as if she venturing into a cannon. Still, all are moving well considering how much pain they were in yesterday.

temperature -10 celsius and very sunny.

14:30 hours. Sam receives summons from snakey boi. Sam to come pub at bottom of chair lift and bring following items.
1 – Stevie-ho’s Brandy
2 – the video camera
3 – Another hoody for snakey-boi
4 – Sam, because Juli-Ho needs company.

Sam slithered down hill to locate Juli-ho in tent outside bar at base of chairlift. Julie-ho enjoying a beer flavoured slushie. moved inside and ordered warmer drinks in glib faux italian, with much pointing. Managed to also order a most excellent apple strudel. superior quality. Juli-ho’s hot chocolate is exceedingly thick
had quick game of noughts and crosses. then hangman. Julia was unable to guess “ yorkshire tea” without hints. will not tell ste.
played the dotty box making game. julia came out victorious. Note, remind julia to write own initials in boxes. not “owned”. suspect julia of being dotty box game shark.

Snakey -boi slithered into bar, leaving ste tethered to railing outside. all looking frosty.
Julia ho declined to make another run down mountain. preferred to drink beer.
Snakey boi coaxed steveie-ho to top of chairlift and “coached” him down. Ste lost fags on route, but remained fully clothed for entire trip. BONUS!
Ste & snakey boi ventured into bar. Ste ventured to buy more fags. had interesting “frosty beard” effect. Ste conned into drinking jagermeister. Still think its cough syrup, and everyone too scared to mention it. ewww.
more beer was drunk. sam had apfelschorle. They dont seem to have that yummy Cola Mit orange flavour here in italy. Awww.

Juli-ho found peeing problematic. had to widdle out of small gap in clothing, owing to ass and knee pads being slightly restrictive

**** why have Juli-Ho’s ladies thermals got a fly???? perhaps for use of “pee funnel” on mountain. equal opportunity yellow snow making.

returned to apartment, up hill of hate. Juli-ho took slight diversion via huge heap of snow. reason unknown. Entered boot room. De-booted. Took lift in order to conserve energy for pee race to bathroom.

Ate bar snacks. drank alcohol. ate more bar snacks. smell suspiciously of tuna kibble. might be. there is a nice picture of a cat on the bag. ate two large boxes of pringles. adam and ste unable to fist pringle tubes and are therefore deprived. *** piu gusto chili crisps are most pleasant.
some spoon dancing ensued, and was captured on video. adam went for shower with underpants on head.

No-one dare touch the bidet towels. lest they have been used before. perhaps overnight shall swap face towels for arse towels to see if anyone notices. sam has brought own towel, so cares not.

Juli-Ho needs hair defrizzing. message ends.

Everyone beautiful.

checked out restaurant across way [ hotel Alpen rose] that does not involve hill walking. only thing on menu that adam would eat was ice cream. looked too snobby anyway. Snakey boi navigated way to Fat toni’s on autopilot. involved trek down piste through knee deep snow. refreshing, and built up the hunger. some ghost photo’s taken, also gratuitous beaver shot @ -11C

fat toni’s releived to see us, as we were late. could have been MIA. fatted calf slain, all forgiven. Adam ordered speck. most scrummy. Ste ate most of speck. in butty. ste had a pizza but not as big as last night,sam had some dumplings (not too big), ju had spagetti with garlic & chilli (well nice). adam had slain calf with Class A chips. also had another litre of wine, surprise surprise. adam did not break glass . got up to go home and noticed that the sweaty jock next to us had STOLEN ste’s fleecy hat.Ste is not impressed, world war III may be about to kick off. cold out -12 on the way home, had to have a big march up the hill of hate. getting used to march uphill. recovery time much faster. would have preferred taxi / horse drawn cart. Oh well.

farting contest ensued. followed by vomiting. air circulation of room means that Ste has 20 second delay on julia’s guffs. builds up anticipation. have certain adhesive quality to them.

Ste trying on alternative hats. sam’s pom-pom hat looks cheeky on. suspect he will go with union jack. else he will have to wear adam’s white balaclava in special ops stylee. see earlier ref to andy mcnabb.

Ste devouring cheap brandy.

We are replicating david blaine ice experiment with beaver. has now been 20 minutes. ste checking beaver core temperature during fag breaks. beaver frozen to balcony, and feeling crusty.

ste lit a fart. we have it on tape. awesome footage. reduces the smell incredbly. must start to follow julia around with long handled gas lighter. or else stop her from eating pasta.

Eventually, all passed out for evening with intentions to rise early and set off to piste refreshed.

Day 4. tuesday 17th January.

Another bright and early day. People began to move @ 09:20 ish. sort of. Vague scramble for bathrooms and front room / kitchen area full of people in various stages of dress.
ste has broken toe. On way up hill last night he kicked an enormous lump of snow in rage at hat stealing jocks. Sadly, snow had density of plutonium. toe vaguely swollen and deformed. has applied copious amounts of “deep heat”. On positive note, toe-pain is distracting him from knee & boob pain.

Juli-ho moving well & has decided to rent ski’s today, to see if she falls over less often. snowboarding lessons over last 5 months, versus a couple of ski holidays 17 years ago. Luckily she is wearing all armour available.
Adam lounging around in thermals, playing on PSP. Other than laughing at Ste and drinking beer, this seems to be his main activity. Heard tunes that sounded like Moloko emanating from the device.

Sam drinking coffee. should not be disturbed until caffeine levels are approaching minimum levels.

We have breakfast items available. although making toast in microwave is an interesting experience, improved when we discover microwave is also grill. Process is still lengthy, and toast resembles crunchy buttered stale bread more than toast in that it does not go brown.

Kitchen equipment interesting. Included. strange heavy round object. may be meat tenderiser or bacon weight. hard to tell. Not included. oven, toaster, kettle. Phooey.

We have scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast. Ste takes over cheffing of eggs. quality product results.

It takes some time and elbow grease to remove baked in egg from pan. but breakfast very nice.

*** Update on david beaver ICE experiment ***

Beaver frozen to balcony rail. Has icicles, and solid frozen core. Externally warm and fluffy. Highly freaky. beaver remains in situ on balcony to see what will happen to it. appears cyrogenically frozen, a la walt disney.

All are ready to set off by 10:30.

Dressing is lengthy process. Steve is wearing every bit of body armour he owns. no toe armour. but has wrist knee and ass guards on. declines helmet for today, as being “over the top” Juli-ho wearing knee guards, but has decided not to wear lid and will hire ski’s in arabba proper. Adam-ski layering up in casual manner, laughing at ste the whole time. finally all are ready, and leave sam to lounge in peace.

Sam makes more coffee, watches changing rooms in german. Still makes no sense and African style kitchen result is depressing. Watches French comedy show. not funny. even with laugh track. gives up in disgust and tidies up. Sets dishwasher going in effort to look like spending time productively.
Attempts to learn italian. Gets bored. Thought she’d managed to learn how to say “Sorry” and what a florentine steak is. Have forgotten. Bah.

Sky looks overcast and white. Not blue and sunny like previous days. it may snow after all.

sam drinks more coffee. relaxes and drinks more coffee. moderately wired…

16:00, Triumphant Return of the three ronin. Via Taxi, which is cheating, because they always make sam walk. suspect treachery. Juli-ho managed to ski well today. Steve hardly fell over at all. Adam claims his falls were purely for comedy effect. It has been captured on video.

16:45 peeps are lounging in thermals and ass pads drinking alcohol and eating kibble. Ste cannot wait until 18:30 when fat toni’s opens and is breaking into his stock of pepperami noodles. Adam is slaying pimps again to moloko. juli ho is well into the rose. *** purchase more if we get to fat toni’s in time.

*** Beaver check. Still frozen. crunchy on inside, floofy on outside. some icicles ***

Apres ski report day 4 :

adam : eh, was allright.

Steve : it was allright, yes, enjoyed meself, vast improvement on past 2 days, not keen on hill of death, but it was allreet. never lost a hat off a skilift before, but sent Juli-Ho to go and get it.

Juli-Ho : erm. went to the shop. picked up skis boots, poles. asked how old i was. how tall i was and how heavy. 58 kilos. went back up stairs and onto nursery slope, after walking down hill of death in ski boots. went on pommer lift and adam videod me. only fell over 3 times, not bad considering havent ski’d in 15 years. thought would topple out of chairlift as weighed down by backpack. did backwards splits at one point. went down hill of death which is much steeper in real life than it looks on video. stupid electric hobs. we got to top first time in chairlift and had to stop for drink, had to carry tray of beer and coffee, which is dangerous as no grips on ski boots. then set off down hill. went up hill of death twice. first time funny, as saw enormous snow cloud trail which was adam. Steve-o represented and joined in sledging trip with adam, as no way out.
went to shop and tried to get ste’s board waxed. shop closed. juli ho had apple juice. ste told germans he didnt speak german in german. Juli-Ho again had trouble going to bathroom. went back to board waxing shop. still shut. went back up hill. came back down hill.
Adam had to have a wee at the top of the mountain.
no sunshine today, but hasnt snowed yet!!!!
finally board waxing shop open. ste got board waxed for 5 euros. what a bargain. juli ho got a hat in fetching pink floof. then discussed best way to get back to apartment
got taxi back up hill. shared taxi with people going to chalet barbara. couldnt be arsed to walk 50 yards to shop. while standing at taxi rank, our taxi reversed into ste and shoved him out of way.


Mild loafing, and alcohol consuption minimal. departed baita antlia @ 18:00 ish. ventured to supermarket under bar petay as it sells bread and has most enormous selection of grappa in the known world. purchased more bar snacks & alcohol. also topped up ingredients for eggy bread.

Chez Fat Toni’s again. escorted downstairs. For reason, select one from list below.
1 – We are now “ regulars” and entitled to sit with local mafioso
2 – We are an embarrassment and not permitted to sit upstairs lest we fight with hat stealing jocks
3 – Upstairs was full.

Again with the pinot Gringo. mmmmm.
Ste decided to skip desert in favour of having a primo platti of carbonara which he devoured mightily as the rest looked on in awe.
Sammi-ho and Juli-Ho ordered pizza. Sammi-ho had extra zweibeanies on hers. looked like onions, but cannot be certain. Juli-ho had extra shrooms.
snakey-boi ordered suckling pig on pizza. Was expecting entire pig. poss with apple in mouth looking startled. was actually sliced pig, but quite pleasant. no unneccessary vegatables in evidence.
Ste ordered Ribs & Sourkraut. Ate some, then hid remainder under uneaten vegatables in bird fashion.
this was apparently to save room for desert. ste wanted the little ice cream bee, but had to have hazelnut ice cream instead. Juli-ho joined in so as not to feel lonely.
Sam and adam had profiteroles. mmmmmm

staggered out of Fat Toni’s and located Banc – o – mat across street. machine in small locked room that required valid cash card to open door. None of jul-ho’s worked. adam had to use platinum card to get in. left Juli-Ho in small room to see how long it would take her to get out. Juli-Ho worked out difference between “pull” and “push” very quickly!!!

Resumed shopping carrying trek up hill of hate. made base camp @ 30, 000 feet – Bar T.
tumbleweeds going through on entry. Luckily, sheer coolness attracted other drinkers. Sammi ho and Juli-Ho left Steve – o and snakey-boi to finish their drinks @ 11.

sammy & julia performed quality testing on bacon frazzles while heckling golden globe awards with sound off. watched end of film about perilous mountain adventure gone wrong. Strangely ominous. Good trick with using an explosive flare and dead comrades blood to mark specific crevasse into which one has fallen. have taken notes in case go off piste.

stevey-ho and Snakey-boi did not return until 01:00 am. this is because
Bar T had Erdinger.
and also Bar T fed them with snippets of pizza. Like stray cats. Bar T will never get rid of them now.

It was snowing!!! It snowed like “ a hundred feet up someone has two blocks of polystyrene and is rubbing them together” made walking a little slippery.


Day 5. Wednesday 18th Jan.

Eggy bread for breakfast this mornings. mmmmm. Juli-ho excellent maker of eggy bread.
Snakey-boi & Stevey-ho had double helpings before donning snow gear.

Maids slightly disturbed to find us all eating eggy bread while they tried to change towels.

Adam & Ste have ‘dinger hangovers.

Today Sammy-ho headed downhill with them to base of chair lift to find out about snow parks and local travel arrangements.

Head downhill slightly slippery. Juli-ho had pimping walk whilst wearing ski-boots.
warmer today. temp measured -1 to 0 degrees. toasty!!!

Crossed base of piste, while avoiding hoardes of skier’s. ste made trip to tourist information office, but was scared away. probably bought fags en route.

spotted small child on teeny ski’s. parent had long leash attached to child. was using it as some sort of husky. much shoving and barging at chair lift.

Ste returned and the three set off for days skiing / boarding.

Sam headed across town to tourist info office. got bus timetable & tickets, but too late to get bus to Corvara to meet others, as only 3 buses a day out of arabba and only 2 back.

Sammy-ho Headed for Bar Petay. drank latte machiatto’s & ate strudel for a while. confused passers by by reading book in french and speaking bad italian.

Made the long walk up the hill of hate. bustled and loafed. gave up learning italian, as it really was too late, and texted Juli-Ho to find out if she wanted shoes.

Juli-Ho did not want shoes.

3 ronin returned via taxi again. Ste did not get knocked over, but there was some debate over which taxi should ferry them up the hill. eventually they arrived. triumphant. Best Day Ever.

watched video footage of *most* of Best Day Ever. some footage mysteriously missing.

stevie-ho pleased with progress. board works better with some wax on it obviously. Adam’s task for day was to cover everyone else in snow.
Juli-ho remastered going round corners without snowplowing.

Snow on and off all day. little powdery floofy stuff.

Juli-ho has decided to rent skis until friday. made vague attempt at working out how to say this in italian. wrote it down. sammy ho poured coke all over ibook and everything else . mopped up mess. resumed translation.

headed for ski shop with note in hand. Note obviously incredibly funny, as lady behind counter kept note for posterity. may have accidentally offended entire italian race.

venture for dinner. decided not to go to Fat toni’s. got map out and found next pizzeria.
Pizzeria full and snakey-boi suspects there may be tomatoes on pizzas.

Go to Fat Toni’s.

Dinner uneventful [ apart from entrance of teeny tiny puddy tat, which is really cute and sneaks in four times. Eventually Fat toni drowns it in nearby river. we think. it does not return. awwwww …. ] until ste decides to have Grappa. Peche Grappa. suspect its apricot grappa actually. it has an pickled apricot in Glass.

Grappa obviously related to Absinthe becuase ste promptly incredilby drunk and starts pulling French Faces. Legs no longer co-operating with Ste or with each other. We try to coax adam into asking for the bill as he has avoided any conversation with italians so far.
go, on, we say.. “ verremo il conto per favore” and eventually he asks the waitress “ er, the bill please” but does not make matching motion of writing on hand with a finger. shame.

Return home up hill of hate, cutting across base of piste. Stevie-ho abnormally fascinated with piste flattening machines again. saw one up close and they are mighty beasts. Stevey-ho walks up hill backwards in awe. *** furian empire will have these machines to drive enemies into the sea.

Miraculously end up in Bar T again. Order more Grappa for ste. this one has no fruit in it.
spend much time watching international ice skating champeenships. russkis are vicious competitors. outfits unusual, one almost star-trek esque. one girl forgets how to skate. falls over a lot. gets up and carries on although maimed horribly.

Return last 100 yards to apartment. It is cold.

Take video footage of cryogenically frozen beaver, to prove frozen-ness. is rock solid. put beaver on radiator in bathroom to defrost for tomorrows trip.

Determine must wake early to get in full days boarding.


Day 6 . thursday 19th Jan.

Rise early. Force adam to be last in the shower as he takes 30 minutes minimum, and bathroom is usually soggy mess afterwards.

Beaver retrieved from bathroom. is soft & Fluffy, no hint of moisture. neither is there a large puddle. Mysterious, indeed.

Down at burz lift for 09:15 am. Juli-Ho cheats by ski-ing down to off piste section, leaving sammy-ho to pootle down slowly after her through knee deep slope.

snakey-boi, Juli-Ho and steve-o head up to burz for quick trundle down blue run to get snow legs ready for portovescovo.
Sammy ho inspects prices on ski-lifts., while waiting, & avoids getting run over by ski-swarms where possible.
The three return, with ste making impressive landing in snow cloud.

Fight through ski-swarm to portovescovo side of mountain and enter the complex. Sammy-ho purchases 1 day ski pass, and manages after 3 attempts to get through barrier, after finding out that it merely needs to be waved at the machine. huzzah.

skiers are, in fact, extremely bargey arsey, and nose is very nearly pierced several times by ski poles finally, Juli-Ho is detailed to prod sammy ho forwards through skiers so that she gets onto giant cable car.
*** Avoid enclosed spaces containging people who have been wearing same thermals for 6 days in a row. ***

eventually sardine tin is filled, so that people are pressed against glass. Cables straining against weight of bodies.

cable car moves ponderously up mountain. Black runs visible below. Cable car appears to be about to slam into cliff face, but miraculously rises above it. continue higher. Ears pop several times.

Car docks with building on top of a mountain. bodies pour out in human avalanche. we 4 remain on observation deck to “ooooooh” at scenic vista spread out below.
Extremely sunny up top. but still fairly chilly.

Venture onto mountain top. attempt to take photo of beaver with 2500m sign. ski swarms intervene, but eventually picture is taken. Adam, Steve-o and Juli-Ho prepare for run downhill. Juli-Ho’s ski’s fall off at first corner. all pause to attempt to put Juli-Ho’s feet back on. ski swarms make this difficult. snakey-boi does not assist in foot re-attachemnt, but sits on arse in corner of run, facing slope in contemplation.

sam wanders to far side of observation deck to watch them come round other side of mountain. unable to determine who is who, until spot zoidbergesque descent down steep slope. ste, with floofy red hat is coming down on hands and knees, as is too slippy.

ski swarms nearly take him out several times.

Sammy-ho laughs so hard, that sunglasses plummet over edge of mountain.

grumpily, sammy retires to bar overlooking several mountains and drinks coffee. Wends way through ski swarm, and returns down mountain side in cable car. Standing at front, nose pressed to glass. view is awesome as dropping over edge. go to bar petay. loaf a little. return to cable car. sadly same operator spots her as she rides back down again. repeat once more.
finally return to apartment as slightly chilly. loaf constuctively.

17:00. Everyone returns. Adam has worn board down to a nub, and has left it at the shop for waxing and sharpening. Usual rush for shower and bathroom facilitees.
Watch video footage of day. All supposed footage is on tape. Is apparently not as good as missing footage from “Best Day Ever”

Today we must set off earlier to the shops as Speck, Shrooms & grappa must be purchased.

Ste carefully inspects each peice of meat. Deliberates between deer, donkey and wild boar salami. Is difficult decision. finally chooses wild boar, as Juli-Ho thinks the others are too cute to eat.

Progress halted at Grappa selection. Further deliberation. there are many fruits to choose from. For some reason Stevie-ho selects “Pine Needle” . . . for that bathroom fresh taste,
Finally, shopping is purchased, and resolutely head to Fat Toni’s.
Where else would we go, really?

Once again we are ushered downstairs with local mafioso. Adam and ste seem hungry as both order a primi platti and a secondi platti. all goes well, and is most pleasant, until ste is sitting around waiting for his platti. which does not arrive for some time.
eventually waitresses ask why we are still there.
after a further 30 minutes, ste’s calzone arrives. Ste devours calzone. does not, at this time, order a little ice cream bee, he might be saving himself for last night.

we all watch ste as he eats. it does not put him off. even the prawn impressions and the various disgusting revelations about poo. actually, he starts most of these discussions. hmmm.

Resume trek up hill to Bar T. for a change, the TV has on ladies figure skating. very spinny, coaches look vicious. are holding pet hamsters and puppies over oiling water and similar. a russion girl wins, for a change.

abscond after only one drink. No ‘dinger today.



Day 7. friday 20th jan.

unable to document. unaware of events. have vague bleary recollection of someone making me get out of bed. snooze for a bit longer. apartment empty. have missed bus, somewhat.
note through door stating pick up tomorrow @ 5am. Cry a little. Die a little. Pack clothes and set dishwasher going.

Day 8 . Saturday 21 jan.

Rise several hours before dawn. Alarms set for 4 am. Ungodly hour. much stumbling and zombie-ness before all are dressed. Juli-Ho unable to work out which end of her hat goes on her head. Or Which end of her her head is at.Trundle downstairs into uncoordinated heap of luggage and bodies and fight way onto bus.

Once bus has set off, Rep brightly announces that our plane going home has been diverted to Milan. another 2-3 hours further on the coach.

Much vomiting ensues on the switchbacks. Not me. nope. Wedged into back corner of bus hoping bladder will hold out. Those that dont vomit… sleep.

Milan Bergamo airport sucks. it really does. it has ONE revolving door through which to wedge a busload of people with skis and snowboards.